Ladies and Gentlemen,
during the last fortnight, I was flooded with emails announcing “Black Friday” and “Cyber Monday” specials, and I’m guessing many of you were too. A few short years ago, few people here in Australia had ever heard of the US “Black Friday” shopping phenomenon. In the land Down Under, “Black Friday” refers to the devastating bushfires that ravaged the state of Victoria on January 13, 1939. In those horrible fires, 71 lives were lost, several towns entirely destroyed, and some 1,300 homes and 3,700 buildings incinerated.
Not exactly the kind of thing we celebrate with a national day of frenzied bargain-hunting.
In the US, however, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. According to Wikipedia, since 1952 it has marked the beginning of the US Christmas shopping season. To kick things off, most major retailers open very early and offer promotional sales. In the rush to snare a bargain, things sometimes get a little crazy; since 2006, there have been 7 reported Black Friday deaths and 98 injuries throughout the US. People have been crushed, stabbed and shot, all in the name of grabbing a bargain.
Yep, nothing to underscore the solemness of Thanksgiving like an orgiastic shopping spree, with the occasional shooting to ward off rival bargain-hunters!
Then there’s “Cyber Monday.”
What’s Cyber Monday?
A load of bollocks, really.
Officially, it’s the Monday after Thanksgiving in the US. As Wiki-P notes, the term "Cyber Monday" was created by marketing companies to persuade people to shop online. "The name Cyber Monday grew out of the observation that millions of otherwise productive working Americans, fresh off a Thanksgiving weekend of window shopping, were returning to high-speed Internet connections at work Monday and buying what they liked."
Ah, the old “try something on in a shop, then go buy it cheaper on the Internet” ruse. Shop owners and retail workers just love having their time wasted in this manner.
I have to shake my head at just how shallow a world we’ve become. Seriously, national days to celebrate … shopping?
Like a lot of silly American trends, Cyber Monday (which is now morphing into “Cyber Week”), has gone international. Apparently, it is now also observed by Canada, the UK, Brazil, Romania, South Korea, Portugal, Uganda, Germany, UAE, Egypt, Netherlands, Chile, Colombia, Peru and Japan.
And Australia. Which is rather odd, given we don’t have a Thanksgiving Day in Australia. Unless you’re a road cyclist, in which case every day you come home from a ride alive is Thanksgiving Day (there are two things a lot of Australians should never be allowed anywhere near: alcohol and car keys. Both seem to turn a lot of otherwise seemingly normal Australians into complete assholes).
Even cops drive like assholes in Australia.
Based on what I’ve just written, it should come as little surprise that – despite having three books available – I didn’t participate in the Black Friday/Cyber Monday hoopla. No frenzied emails from yours truly heralding: “CYBER MONDAY! 10% OFF EVERYTHING!”
Yep, I’ve had a change of heart. Sort of. And as a result, you all now have the chance to get the hard copy versions of my books at a very substantial discount.
Not a piddling 10% discount, or a wussy 20%.
Not even 30%.
I’m talking a hefty 50% off!
Yep, for a short time, you can own a real, hold-it-in-your-eager-little-hands, hard copy version of each of my books for half-price!
Yes ma’am, you can buy the paperbacks for far less than what Amazon is slugging for the Kindle versions!
That’s a pretty good deal, if I may say so myself.
And you owe this wonderful opportunity all to a sleazy little web troll who identifies himself as “Master Hahn”.
My website readers first met this grubby little coward back in August 2015, when I relayed the sleazy accusations he’d made about me on Amazon.com. “Master Hahn” and another weasel by the name of “BRETT ROBSON” had taken it upon themselves to accuse me of having surreptitiously written a positive review that was in fact written by a kind UK customer.
Upon reading their accusations, I promptly offered the both of them $10,000 if they could back up their sleazy claims with some actual proof.
It’s now December 2016, and I’ve yet to hear from either of them. “Master Hahn” instead quickly removed his post from Amazon (you can, however, still see a screen shot of it here)
Unbeknownst to me until recently, this was not the only malevolent accusation master tosser “Master Hahn” had posted about me on Amazon. The other day, I was alerted to a comment he’d added to a review by some caustic hypocrite by the name of Christina Zeek. I lambasted Zeek’s review with my own review a couple of years back, which apparently upset a handful of humourless Colpo-hating hypocrites, including “Master Hahn”.
And so, of course, “Master Hahn” just couldn’t help himself. Here’s his reply, and my response (if you struggle to read the small type, then keep your cursor over the image, and keep left-clicking until a full size image appears on your screen):
(If you want to view the entire Zeek review and accompanying comments, you can do so here; scroll down to the subheading “Zany Zeek and the Hypocrite Bunch”).
It’s the usual highly unimaginative slop; accusations of nepotism, and of course the old standby charge of "‘roid rage". It’s interesting … years ago, the knee-jerk response to displays of female behaviour that were a little too feisty for one’s liking was “gee, it must be that time of month!” The world seems to have moved past that underhanded snipe, but sadly has instead taken to explaining away every instance of allegedly objectionable male behaviour as being due to “testosterone” or “’roid rage”. And sure enough, when a guy unapologetically posts something the low-carb and vegan trolls can’t refute, their feeble little brains go into default mode and issue accusations of “‘roid rage”.
I won’t continue to pay this topic any more of the dignity it doesn’t deserve, except to once again state I’m more than happy to undergo drug-testing for anabolic steroids, HgH, masking agents, etc, on the following conditions:
-The accuser has to pay for the testing;
-The accuser has to reimburse me for my time;
-The accuser has to undergo the same tests himself.
I’ve long challenged the pathetic malevolents who’ve accused me of steroid use, everyone from Fred Hahn to Harley Johnstone, to man up and meet the first two conditions. I’m still waiting for them to do so…
I recently added that third condition after watching the video footage of Harley Johnstone bragging about his steroid use and laughing about the huge quantity of steroids he keeps at his house. Johnstone, as many of you are aware, has for years accused every man and his dog, cat and hamster of taking steroids … and now we find out he’s been using them himself!
I never said vegans make sense.
Professional asshole, pathological liar and world-class hypocrite Harley "Durianrider" Johnstone bragging about all the steroids he keeps at his house.
Johnstone sharing his repulsive views on women: "Most girls ... are basic handbag-wearing bitches." Charming. Johnstone also inadvertently explains how he's managed to attract such a sizable and gullible following.
It’s an illuminating demonstration of the old saying, “Those who shout the loudest usually have the most to hide.”
So if “Master Hahn” wants to prove he is more than just a cowardly little troll with something to hide, then he’s more than welcome to grow some jiggly bits, step out from behind his computer, and stand behind his malicious accusations, instead of spouting off like a sniveling little turd behind the safety of his screen.
And that’s all I will say about the steroid accusations.
There is, however, one part of the “Master Hahn” wankery that I would like to further expound upon, because it reflects a regrettably pervasive mindset among this all-too-irrational species known as Homo sapiens.
It’s the bit where he writes of yours truly:
“…believing he should be at the top of the hill with his nutritional / dietary ‘expertise’, when he doesn’t even crack the top 25; not by a long ways, which is why he so frequently and viciously attacks those authors in this field who are so imminently more successful than he is.”
The “top 25”? What, is there a Billboard chart for health writers now?
Like most trolls, Master Hahn is an illiterate fool: “imminently” means "likely to occur at any moment; impending". So what he’s effectively saying is that, out of jealousy, I frequently and viciously attack other authors who are in fact not yet successful.
What an Einstein.
Not only does this make absolutely no sense but, like most of my critics, Hahn does not provide a single example of these “vicious” attacks, despite their alleged “frequent” occurrence.
So what constitutes a “vicious” attack, “Master Hahn”? Is it when some disgruntled little coward logs on to Amazon and starts posting malicious and totally uncalled for lies about someone? Is it when a sleazy little coward accuses someone – without a skerrick of evidence - of writing his own reviews and taking steroids?
Wait – that’s what you do!
It’s at this point we could just write “Master Hahn” off for the dip-shitted hypocrite he is, but the sad reality is he’s hardly the only one who earnestly seems to think this health writing gig is some kind of popularity contest. This is hardly the first time someone’s attempted to belittle me for not being the most popular health writer on the planet. Ironically, these taunts always come, not from truly popular commentators like Dr Oz or Dr Mercola, but from second-rate Internet hucksters or has-been diet ‘gurus’ whose names are utterly foreign to most people. Go ahead – go up to a random selection of people at your local shopping mall and ask if they’ve ever heard of Janet Brill, James Fell, Martin Berkhan, Michael Eades … or “Master Hahn” LMAO.
Get ready for a lot of blank stares.
All of the aforementioned share the dubious honour of having belittled my marketing efforts (not much to belittle, as I do bugger-all marketing) and/or for loudly proclaiming they are more popular than me, as if this is some kind of marker for scientific accuracy.
Folks, it should go without saying I’ve never claimed to be “popular” or a great marketer. The only popularity I care about has nothing to do with the Internet. For example, a few weeks back, my oldest nephew’s swimming instructor relayed to me that he’d told her I’m his favourite uncle. Man, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel like a million bucks when I hear things like that – now that is the kind of popularity I care about 🙂
I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about being “popular” on the Internet. And I’ll readily admit I have absolutely no idea about marketing - for the same reason that I have absolutely no idea about ballet or dismantling bombs. I’m a researcher – not a marketer, ballerina, or bomb disposal expert.
And I’m a damn good researcher. You see, while all the popular bullshitters health writers and diet gurus are reading marketing books, “networking” with other popular bullshitters health writers and diet gurus, and fine-tuning their PR strategy, I’m scouring through published scientific papers with an eagle eye. I’m also out there training and sweating in the real world, keeping myself in far better shape than most of the popular bullshitters health writers and diet gurus could ever dream of being in.
Health is a serious topic, and when you post health information that someone might act upon, you sure as hell should be sure it’s based on the most reliable evidence available. How popular you are is so utterly irrelevant that I propose anyone who even begins to consider popularity a worthy marker for the quality of someone’s health information should be forced to have “DIPSHIT” permanently tattooed on their forehead.
Let the record show that when I challenged Brill, Eades, Berkhan and Fell to prove, not their popularity, but the veracity of their arguments, they all failed miserably:
I have no idea how popular these jokers are nowadays, and I really couldn’t care. Even if they are in fact the most popular and beloved people on the planet, I couldn’t even begin to recommend them as worthy health and diet commentators based on their demonstrated inability to defend their untenable claims on scientific grounds.
Unlike some of the folks previously mentioned in this article, I’ve never been one to brag about what a superior Strava-stud I allegedly am or post double-bicep shots of myself all over my site, but I think it’s only fair to point out the following: Despite being nearly 50 years old, I look younger and am in far better shape than the lot of this motley bunch. With the exception of Berkhan, I doubt any of the aforementioned “I’m so popular!” trippers could deadlift 2.5 times their body weight without popping themselves a hernia, and I suspect they’d all suffer cardiac arrest if they tried to keep up with me during one of my rides in the hills. I keep myself in good shape, and I do it without starving for half the day (Berkhan), eating tasteless soy and wholegrain products (Brill), or following terribly misguided fad diets that unfairly demonize entire macronutrient categories like perfectly healthy carbohydrates (Eades).
By the way, for those of you who still believe the intermittent fasting (IF) hyperbole, a recent study fresh out of Italy tested the “8-hour window” system of IF. This is the same IF format pimped by Berkhan, who launched into a hysterical, expletive-laden rant on a bodybuilding chat forum several years ago after I had the temerity to post an Internet article critical of the IF hoopla.
At his website leangains.com, a much more placid Berkhan writes:
"My general position on the fasted phase is that it should last through the night and during the morning hours. Ideally the fast should then be broken at noon or shortly thereafter if you arise at 6-7 AM like most people. Afternoons and evenings are usually spent in the fed state."
When I was a youngster, this approach was called “skipping breakfast”. But in a credit to the marketing ingenuity of folks like Berkhan, forsaking “the most important meal of the day” has now become a trendy, high-tech diet strategy.
One, it should be noted, with very little science behind it.
According to the conclusion in the study’s abstract:
“Our results suggest that an intermittent fasting program in which all calories are consumed in an 8-h window each day, in conjunction with resistance training, could improve some health-related biomarkers, decrease fat mass, and maintain muscle mass in resistance-trained males.”
As is so often the case, reading the full text of the study for yourself reveals a rather different and distinctly less-flattering story.
Now, if this was a year or even six months ago, it's at this point that I would launch into a long, detailed, dissection showing why this study in fact confirms that IF is a load of shit and best avoided by most people.
Those days are over. I no longer have the time nor the inclination to post carefully-researched free articles that are more thoroughly-referenced than most peer-reviewed journal papers, yet get little in return except hate and abuse. Plus, I wouldn't want to burden poor "Master Hahn" with any more "boring" articles that strain his struggling brain with an abundance of scientific citations.
So I'll save the thorough dissections for people who truly appreciate it; namely, subscribers of my imminent paid subscription newsletter (note correct usage of “imminent”, “Master Hahn”).
What I will do here is post a link where you can access the full text of the study for free:
Those who bother to read it carefully will see the only reason the IF group lost 1.3 more kg of fat over 8 weeks is because they reportedly ate 175 less calories per day than the normal diet group, despite the former being almost identical to the latter in height, weight, body fat and fat free mass at baseline. They will also see that the IF subjects experienced a worrying 21% drop in their testosterone levels, as well as a drop in the important anabolic hormone IGF-1, and a drop in the key thyroid hormone T3. Levels of these hormones remained unchanged in the lucky guys who kept eating like normal human beings. The negative hormonal changes in the IF group cannot be explained by the piddling calorie reduction (astute and long-time readers of this site, or my book The Fat Loss Bible, should know what really caused this drop).
Folks, I have posted the free link to the study; take that as my good deed for the day (along with a generous discount on my books). Unless you are prepared to pay me for my time, DO NOT write me to argue, discuss or further enquire about the study; I've read it for myself and know full well what it says. Also DO NOT write to me asking me to comment on any expletive-laden, psychotic rant Berkhan may post after reading this. Until Berkhan and his fanboys/girls can provide some actual scientific evidence that skipping breakfast and risking being hungry and brain-fogged all morning actually produces superior body composition and health outcomes than eating like a normal, non-neurotic human being, I'm simply not interested.
Folks, you need to decide if you want to listen to someone who is good at the PR game and/or “popular”, or someone who truly knows their shite and can defend their contentions against all comers.
If you’re after Mr Popularity, I ain’t him. And if you're after Miss Popularity, I ain't her either (sorry, not into that sort of thing). But if you’re after someone whose books are so scientifically rock solid that his critics are invariably forced to resort to lies and slander in an attempt to discredit them and their author, then today’s your lucky day.
Because today, ladies and gentlemen, is …
Yep, forget Black Friday and the inane Cyber Monday!
I hereby pronounce the first Monday of December “Malaca Monday”, in honour of all those sniveling little web trolls who struggle to find contentment in life and seek refuge behind their computer screens, viciously attacking and lying about others. I was initially going to call it “Master Hahn Monday”, but I didn’t want to make Hahn’s fellow web trolls jealous. Especially Justine Cardillo – she seems like an especially delicate little daisy.
I have no idea whether or not Malaca Monday will catch on as an international trend (something tells me probably not), but what the heck, enjoy it while you can!
As noted earlier, to mark this momentous inaugural occasion I’m offering a massively massive 50% discount off all my books!
Yes … Fifty! … Cincuenta! … Cinquanta! ...
… um, sorry folks, that's all the languages I know.
As also noted earlier, for a short time you can own the real versions of my books for less than what you have to pay for the eBook versions. Why stare at a computer screen when you can curl up on your couch and read the paperback versions!
Hurry, because this offer lasts four (4) days. I was going to make it three days, but 3 is such a cliché number. I mean, there’s the Three Stooges, Three Little Pigs, 3-piece suits, 3-day growth, threesomes … yep, every man and his pig has already jumped aboard the “3” bandwagon. So I figured I’d run this sale for four days.
Because it’s not three.
Anyways, not much more to say except … what are you waiting for?
To purchase The Fat Loss Bible at 50% off, go here:
To purchase The Great Cholesterol Con at 50% off, go here:
And to purchase Whole Grains, Empty Promises at 50% off, go here:
Yours in percolated coffee with a dash of Hazelnut Frangelico,
Conditions and other assorted fine print: Offer ends midnight, Thursday, December 8, 2016 Australian Eastern Standard Time. Offer may be used as many times by same person as same person sees fit. No discount codes or coupons required. Do not buy my books if you are stupid, irrational, or a dietary cultist with hypertension or anger issues. Do not buy my books if you are “Master Hahn”, they contain hundreds of references which could cause your brain to explode. Australian drivers really do suck; if you are planning a cycling holiday, go to Europe (I especially recommend Spain). New Zealand drivers suck too, but at least their beer is awesome.
The Mandatory “I Ain’t Your Mama, So Think For Yourself and Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions” Disclaimer: All content on this web site is provided for information and education purposes only. Individuals wishing to make changes to their dietary, lifestyle, exercise or medication regimens should do so in conjunction with a competent, knowledgeable and empathetic medical professional. Anyone who chooses to apply the information on this web site does so of their own volition and their own risk. The owner and contributors to this site accept no responsibility or liability whatsoever for any harm, real or imagined, from the use or dissemination of information contained on this site. If these conditions are not agreeable to the reader, he/she is advised to leave this site immediately.