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Please read the following before emailing:

Every day, I receive a bunch of emails in which people ask me dietary/training/health questions, or for medical advice, or for my personal commentary on studies. And every day, I barely have time to read these emails let alone answer them.

I feel kind of bad about this, as I realize people ask me stuff because they value my opinion. Either that, or soliciting my opinion for free over the Internet is cheaper than buying one of my books, and way cheaper than visiting a doctor.

Hmmm.

Oh, and then there’s all those numbnuts who want to argue incessantly and tell me how they were able to eat 15,000 calories per day of burgers, butter and cream and still lose weight, or why becoming an emaciated/B12-deficient/histrionic vegan lunatic was the best thing they ever did.

Sadly, I don’t have time to converse with screwball dietary zealots, either.

So what I thought I’d do is prepare some pre-emptive questions and answers that will hopefully serve as a helpful substitute for my personal communication. Instead of emailing me, please just refer to this handy Q&A, there should be something here to address the majority of queries I get:

Q: Hi Anthony, I just came across this [attached/hyperlinked] study. Your thoughts?

A: It’s a load of shit.

Q: Hi Anthony, I am suffering [insert health problem here], what should I do?

A: Go see a doctor.

Q: My doctor can’t help me, he/she doesn’t seem to have a clue?

A: Find one who does.

Q: Hi Anthony, I know you’re a busy guy with lots of other pressing commitments and you don’t know me from a bar of soap, but can you write me up a free personalized diet plan/training routine?

A: No.

Q: Hi Anthony, I read your latest article/book and am extremely upset because you are expressing diet/health views that are contrary to mine.

A: Yes. My views stand in such stark contrast to yours because, well, I’m not stupid like you are. Now go back to eating 30 bananas a day, or gulping down cream like it’s water then wondering why you still can’t lose weight.

Q: Hi Anthony, I’m writing to challenge a claim you made in [insert name of article here]. I will proceed to do this by citing studies that you’ve already thoroughly dissected and rendered non-supportive in that article or elsewhere on your site. To really show how amazingly stupid I am, I will include studies that you have already dissected not just once, but several times. Now, I know this sounds kind of weird, but I actually don’t know you dissected these studies because I didn’t read the article in full nor did I bother to look elsewhere on your site. You see, I’m a stupid lazy dogmatic dipshit that has already made up his/her mind what he/she wants to believe, and I take deep offense to people who contradict my cherished views. This is why I only read the article as far as the bit that contradicted my beliefs, got my panties in a bunch, and immediately drafted this email to inform you of how wrong you are. I know this all sounds rather irrational, but hey, that’s the low-carb/vegan way!

A: Oh joy! Yet another genius writing to tell me how wrong I am based on evidence I’ve already dissected, destroyed and dismissed. Dear Stupid Lazy Dogmatic Vegan/Low-Carb Disphit: The really scary thing here is not how stupid, lazy and dogmatic you are, but how many people just like you there are in the world.

And still people believe in intelligent design…

Humans™: Available in Ignorant, Irrational, Annoying and new Cherry Dipshit flavour!

Q: Hi Anthony, I find your writing style offensive and caustic. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you know.

A: Wow, Aristotle’s in the house! In your glorious burst of profundity, you seemed to have overlooked something: I live in Australia, where a significant portion of the average person’s day is spent spraying/swatting/cursing flies. Why on Earth would I want to attract even more of the annoying little bastards? My articles were written with one sole purpose: To report the actual facts about diet and health issues. I couldn’t give a flying act of fornication whether or not they attract flies.

What’s that? I missed the point of your clichéd euphemism, thou doth protest? Then I guess thou missed the point of my answer. Namely, when it comes to information that could affect your health, substance is everything. Style is inconsequential.

Further to your allergic reaction to my writing style: As Eminem once said, “I find it offensive that you find me offensive.” Hey, I’m not the one who sits there with an all-knowing smirk deriding vulnerable teenagers in the shameless pursuit of TV ratings, nor am I the one who yells “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT HIS MIKE!” when I’m interviewing people. Nor do I stand around in a kitchen looking like I was just sodomized by a hot iron, screaming F-bombs at anything and everything that moves. So I tell you what: When you can provide verifiable proof that you’ve written to Bill O’Reilly, Gordon Ramsey and the like, and chastised them and asked them to down their antics in order to appease the world’s population of diptera (that’s science for flies, mate!), then come back and we’ll talk.

Oh, and while you’re at it, write your leader and ask him to stop dropping bombs on innocent men, women and children in order to keep his masters in the military-industrial complex fat and happy. Because I’m guessing that causes far more “offensive” outcomes than anything I’ve ever written. Then, and only then, feel free to come back and piss and moan about my writing style.

Humans™: Now Available in Ultra-Clueless!

Q: Hi Anthony, I am an emaciated, attention-hungry and very angry vegan cyclist who is too cowardly to reveal his true name so I’m sending this email under the pseudonym “Danny Deckchair” instead. I refuse to believe that’s really you in your photos, because everyone knows it is I who is the most beautiful, most fittest, most awesomest man in Adelaide. In the world, in fact. So I demand that you send me some full body pictures of yourself, including your legs.*

A: Dear angry vegan cyclist, thank you for your interest in my body, but as Tone Loc once said, “this is the eighties, and I’m down with the ladies!” OK, it’s actually 2014, but my point remains the same: It’s not my job to send “full body” pictures of myself to every oddball who harbours a secret fancy for me. However, my sources tell me most newsagents nowadays stock magazines with, um, “full body” pictures of lean, tanned, muscular blokes, so hopefully that helps you out. Good luck, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Q: Hi Anthony, here is an article/video where [insert name of vegan/low-carb zealot] is saying untoward things about you. I would love to hear your response?

A: I don’t have one. Because I have neither the time nor the inclination to read/watch the article/video. By all means let me know if my name ever makes the front page of The New York Times, otherwise save yourself some time and don’t send me this malarkey.

Q: Hi Anthony, I’m not asking for anything, I just wrote simply to say I really appreciate your work and enjoy your books/articles. I’ve learned some really useful stuff thanks to your writings!

A: Now this is the kind of correspondence I will always have time for. It’s written by people who aren’t trying to extract anything from me, but simply wish to express their gratitude for the information I’ve already put out there. That’s pretty cool! To all the people that have written me with such emails, the chorus of the following Spiderbait song is wholeheartedly dedicated to you :)

Thank you for your understanding,

Ciao,

Anthony
anthonycolpo [at] thefatlossbible.net

*I kid you not, “Danny Deckchair” really did ask this. Like a wise old man once said, “Confucius say, be very wary of guys who frequently travel to Thailand” LMAO

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