Please read the following before emailing:
Every day, I receive a bunch of emails in which people ask me dietary/training/health questions, or for medical advice, or for my personal commentary on studies. And every day, I barely have time to read these emails let alone answer them.
I feel kind of bad about this, as I realize people ask me stuff because they value my opinion. Either that, or soliciting my opinion for free over the Internet is cheaper than buying one of my books, and way cheaper than visiting a doctor.
Oh, and then there’s all those jokers who want to argue incessantly and tell me how they were able to eat 15,000 calories per day of burgers, butter and cream and still lose weight, or why becoming an emaciated/B12-deficient/histrionic vegan lunatic was the best thing they ever did.
Sadly, I don’t have time to converse with screwball dietary zealots, either.
So what I thought I’d do is prepare some pre-emptive questions and answers that will hopefully serve as a helpful substitute for my personal communication. Instead of emailing me, please just refer to this handy Q&A, there should be something here to address the majority of queries I get:
Q: Hi Anthony, I just came across this [attached/hyperlinked] study. Your thoughts?
A: It’s a load of shit.
Q: Hi Anthony, I am suffering [insert health problem here], what should I do?
A: Go see a doctor.
Q: My doctor can’t help me, he/she doesn’t seem to have a clue?
A: Find one who does.*
Q: Hi Anthony, I know you’re a busy guy with lots of other pressing commitments and you don’t know me from a bar of soap, but can you write me up a free personalized diet plan/training routine?
Q: Hi Anthony, I read your latest article/book and am extremely upset because you are expressing diet/health views that are contrary to mine.
A: Yes. My views stand in such stark contrast to yours because, well, I’m not stupid like you are. Now go back to eating 30 bananas a day, or gulping down cream like it’s water then wondering why you still can’t lose weight.
Q: Hi Anthony, I am an emaciated, attention-hungry and very angry vegan cyclist who is too cowardly to reveal his true name so I’m sending this email under the pseudonym “Danny Deckchair” instead. I refuse to believe that’s really you in your photos, because everyone knows it is I who is the most beautiful, most fittest, most awesomest man in Adelaide. In the world, in fact. So I demand that you send me some full body pictures of yourself, including your legs.**
A: Dear angry vegan cyclist, thank you for your interest in my body, but as Tone Loc once said, “this is the eighties, and I’m down with the ladies!” OK, it’s actually 2014, but my point remains the same: It’s not my job to send “full body” pictures of myself to every oddball who harbours a secret fancy for me. However, my sources tell me most newsagents nowadays stock magazines with, um, “full body” pictures of lean, tanned, muscular blokes, so hopefully that helps you out. Good luck, I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Q: Hi Anthony, here is an article/video where [insert name of vegan/low-carb zealot] is saying untoward things about you. I would love to hear your response?
A: I don’t have one. Because I have neither the time nor the inclination to read/watch the article/video. By all means let me know if my name ever makes the front page of The New York Times, otherwise save yourself some time and don’t send me this malarkey.
Q: Hi Anthony, I’m not asking for anything, I just wrote simply to say I really appreciate your work and enjoy your books/articles. I’ve learned some really useful stuff thanks to your writings!
A: Now this is the kind of correspondence I will always have time for. It’s written by people who aren’t trying to extract anything from me, but simply wish to express their gratitude for the information I’ve already put out there. That’s pretty cool! To all the people that have written me with such emails, the chorus of the following Spiderbait song is wholeheartedly dedicated to you
Thank you for your understanding,
anthonycolpo [at] thefatlossbible.net
*Seriously folks, please do not ask me health questions, do not send me long descriptive lists of your health problems/life history, and do not send me copies of your blood test results. I tire of having to repeat myself, but for the umpteenth time I am not a licensed medical practitioner, therefore it is neither my job nor within my jurisdiction to answer these types of queries. There are people who get paid handsomely to deal with these types of problems – they are known as DOCTORS. Yes, sadly, many of them seem ill-equipped to deal with many common and not-so-common health issues despite years of training, but understand it is not my job to step in and do their job for free. Evidently, there are still a lot of people out there who think I simply spend my days sitting at the computer waiting eagerly to answer people’s email queries.
**I kid you not, “Danny Deckchair” really did ask this. Like a wise old man once said, “Confucius say, be very wary of guys who frequently travel to Thailand” LMAO