Please read the following before emailing:
Every day, I receive a bunch of emails in which people ask me dietary/training/health questions, or for medical advice, or for my personal commentary on studies. And every day, I barely have time to read these emails let alone answer them.
I feel kind of bad about this, as I realize people ask me stuff because they value my opinion. Either that, or soliciting my opinion for free over the Internet is cheaper than buying one of my books, and way cheaper than visiting a doctor.
Oh, and then there's all those geniuses who want to argue incessantly and tell me how they were able to eat 15,000 calories per day of burgers, butter and cream and still lose weight, or why becoming an emaciated/B12-deficient/histrionic vegan lunatic was the best thing they ever did.
Sadly, I don't have time to converse with screwball dietary zealots, either.
So what I thought I'd do is prepare some pre-emptive questions and answers that will hopefully serve as a helpful substitute for my personal communication. Instead of emailing me, please just refer to this handy Q&A, there should be something here to address the majority of queries I get:
Q: Hi Anthony, I just came across this [attached/hyperlinked] study. Your thoughts?
A: It's a load of shit.
Q: Hi Anthony, I am suffering [insert health problem here], what should I do?
A: Go see a doctor.
Q: My doctor can't help me, he/she doesn't seem to have a clue?
A: Find one who does.*
Q: Hi Anthony, I know you're a busy guy with lots of other pressing commitments and you don't know me from a bar of soap, but can you write me up a free personalized diet plan/training routine?
Q: Hi Anthony, I've read posts and seen videos claiming you are "Paleo". Is this true?
A: No, I'm Italian-Australian. If what these brainiacs mean is that I follow a "Paleo/Paleolithic/Caveman/Stone Age" diet, then they are hopelessly confused. You see, Paleolithic cavemen did not eat cannoli, pizza, pasta, gorgonzola cheese, vanilla-honey yogurt, Whittaker's dark almond chocolate, or prosciutto. Nor did they drink Strega, Nocino, Island Sting or percolated coffee served with a dash of anisette.
Q: Hi Anthony, I read your latest article/book and am extremely upset because you are expressing diet/health views that are contrary to mine.
A: Yes. My views stand in such stark contrast to yours because, well, I'm not stupid like you are. Now go back to eating 30 bananas a day, or gulping down cream like it's water then wondering why you still can't lose weight.
Q: Hi Anthony, I read your articles about the exaggerated claims made for low-carb diets, and you sound pretty convincing. But I also read an article by Byron Bubblegut saying low-carb diets are stupendously awesome, and he's offering $5 to anyone who disagrees so they can buy themselves a clue. I must say, he sounds very convincing too. As a result, I'm confused, I don't know who to believe, and I think I'm going to cry. Please help!
A: I get emails like this all the time. Despite having already posted a wealth of free information about this and other topics, many undecided folks think it's my job to donate even more of my time and attempt to decisively convince them, and hence end the crippling confusion that keeps them up at night tearfully hugging their teddy bears.
Well, it's not my job - or if it is, no-one's been sending me the pay cheques.
To all you folks who send emails like this, please read the following very carefully:
All your life you've been spoon-fed information and told what to think by your government, education/indoctrination system, church, etc, etc. Your parents, as wonderful and well-meaning as they may be, were also likely indoctrinated by the same sources. The sad result is that many, if not most, people are incapable of truly independent thought. Instead of researching things for themselves, they rely on others for information, and when that information is conflicting they want someone with the requisite persuasiveness and charisma to come along and convince them, in the process magically relieving them of their cognitive dissonance. In other words, they want someone else to do their thinking and to make their mind up for them. Never mind that persuasiveness has no direct correlation to truthfulness; in fact, these traits are often negatively correlated to each other (see the advertising industry, successful politicians and popular diet gurus for excellent examples of this phenomenon).
Grow up. Break the cycle. Put down your teddy bear, wipe away your smudged mascara, cancel your manicure (yes, you too gentlemen) and start learning how to think for yourself. In the case of Colpo vs Bubblegut, don't "believe" either of us. Instead, pull up the abundant research I've cited and whatever research Mr Bubblegut has cited, then READ IT FOR YOURSELF and MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND.
Most of my articles contain hyperlinks and/or reference lists of published studies. I include these, not for shits and giggles, but so people can check the veracity of what I'm saying. In addition to the voluminous volume of free articles I've posted over the years, I've also written three fully-referenced books, whose reference lists number up to 1,400 citations. If you're too lazy too pull up the relevant citations for yourself, then you have absolutely no business writing to me.
By the way, next time you're at Byron Bubblegut's website, can you tell him to send me $5? Yes, I already have a clue, but I need to stock up on cannoli.
Q: Hi Anthony, I am an emaciated, attention-hungry and very angry vegan cyclist who is too cowardly to reveal his true name so I'm sending this email under the pseudonym "Danny Deckchair" instead. I refuse to believe that's really you in your photos, because everyone knows it is I who is the most beautiful, most fittest, most awesomest man in Australia. In the world, in fact. So I demand that you send me some full body pictures of yourself, including your legs.**
A: Dear angry vegan cyclist, thank you for your interest in my body, but as Tone Loc once said, "this is the eighties, and I'm down with the ladies!" OK, it's actually 2014, but my point remains the same: It's not my job to send "full body" pictures of myself to every oddball who harbours a secret fancy for me. However, my sources tell me most newsagents nowadays stock magazines with, um, "full body" pictures of lean, tanned, muscular gentlemen, so hopefully that helps you out. Good luck, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Q: Hi Anthony, my name is Andrew Arch-hole. You should stop writing about diet and health. Not because I can find fault in anything you say, but because you don't have a PhD. I only listen to people with PhDs. So stop writing this stuff. By the way, I have three university degrees, one in biochemistry, two in law. How cool am I?
A: Dear Andrew,
you're a tool. I notice that you've not been able to refute a single thing I said in the article, despite me having given you the opportunity to do so. Therefore, I can only assume you are a self-aggrandizing try-hard suffering from a number of ailments, including:
-Authority worship ("People with PhDs are smarter than everyone else!")
-Arrogance ("Look at me, I've got 3 degrees!")
-Insecurity ("P-l-e-a-s-e, look at me, I have 3 degrees!")
Quite frankly, I couldn't give a rat's posterior how many PhDs you have, and I'm betting most other people don't either. A decade at uni and you can't even begin to challenge a thing I've said on anything even resembling scientific grounds. Bless our modern education system.
Now please, I'm busy. Go tug yourself somewhere well away from my inbox.
Q: Hi Anthony, here is an article/video where [insert name of vegan/low-carb zealot] is saying untoward things about you. I would love to hear your response?
A: I don't have one. Because I have neither the time nor the inclination to read/watch the article/video. By all means let me know if my name ever makes the front page of The New York Times, otherwise save yourself some time and don't send me this malarkey.
Q. Hi Anthony, I am attempting to contact you by extra-sensory perception as my last 15,000 emails to you went unanswered. I demand you reply to my email correspondence! Just because I am a rude, abusive, immature, circular-arguing, dogmatic, illogical twat who goes ballistic when I read something I disagree with is no reason for you to ignore me!
A. Oh yes it is. I am extremely busy, and I don't get paid to entertain rude, abusive, immature, circular-arguing, dogmatic, illogical twats who go ballistic when I write something they disagree with. If you wrote me, got a reply, then wrote back but never got a reply, it's very likely because I placed you on my email filter. You had your say, I had mine, which means it was time for you to kindly piss off.
Due to the disproportionately high number of rude, abusive, immature, circular-arguing, dogmatic, illogical twats presenting in the Homo sapiens species, I have a very long filter list.
Oh, and congratulations on having authored 15,000 unread emails, that's quite a non-achievement.
Q. Hi Anthony, would you be interested in an article placement? The article would contain a link to our gambling/gaming/investment/crypto-bullshit-currency site?
Q. Hi Anthony, I came upon your site and believe you would be a perfect partner for our new product called FuckYeah Gel®. This fantastic new gel will give you super fast fat loss, incredible muscle gains, the longevity of a Sardinian shepherd, and the testosterone levels of a Spanish bull on high-dose enanthate who just saw a really hot looking cow. Made from non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan friendly, 100% organic, microfiltered, acetylated, methylated, esterified possum shit extract, this new gel will forever change the world of fat loss, muscle building, health enhancement, international relations and tectonic plate movement. It is that good! Would you like to partner with us? We would like to place an article on your site, with a link back to fuckyeahgel.com. We offer payment by our new crypto-bullshit-currency, FuckYeahCoin®!
Q: Hi Anthony, I’m not asking for anything, I just wrote simply to say I really appreciate your work and enjoy your books/articles. I’ve learned some really useful stuff thanks to your writings!
A: Now this is the kind of correspondence I will always have time for. It’s written by people who aren’t trying to extract anything from me, but simply wish to express their gratitude for the information I’ve already put out there. That’s pretty cool! To all the people that have written me with such emails, the chorus of the following Spiderbait song is wholeheartedly dedicated to you 🙂
Thank you for your understanding,
info [at] anthonycolpo.com
Please note: For reasons known only to the bespectacled, eugenicist creator of buggy software known as William Henry Gates III, I can receive but not reply to emails received from Microsoft-related email accounts. All attempts to reply to emails from @hotmail, @live, @msn, @passport and @outlook accounts result in me receiving a "Message delivery failed" notification. Therefore, anyone contacting me and hoping for a reply will need to do so from a non-Microsoft email account.
*Seriously folks, please do not ask me health questions, do not send me long descriptive lists of your health problems/life history, and do not send me copies of your blood test results. I am not a licensed medical professional, nor – like numerous diet and health ‘gurus’ - do I get paid to pretend to be one. I don’t come into your business asking you to push the boundaries of the law by providing services you’re not licensed to, so please return the courtesy.
**I kid you not, "Danny Deckchair" really did ask this. Like a wise old man once said, "Confucius say, be very wary of guys who frequently travel to Thailand".
Anthony Colpo and anthonycolpo.com reserve the right to reprint any and all received correspondence, particularly from those who take it upon themselves to send hostile communications. Anthony Colpo and anthonycolpo.com vigorously assert this right irrespective of whatever privacy/non-disclosure disclaimers accompany such communication.
NB Without Prejudice.