Warning: This article contains strong language. If you are offended by strong language, THEN LEAVE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY.
South Australia: It’s a shithole. And from this shithole has emerged one of the world’s biggest shitheads: A banana-gorging, bottle-pissing, seething ball of hatred known as Harley “Durianrider” Johnstone.
This sleazy, defamatory, predatory piece of pond scum has been polluting the Internet for years, hell-bent on showing as many people as possible what an utterly obnoxious turd he really is. Amazingly, while doing so, he amassed a sizeable following of gullible twats who really believed an emaciated asshole, whose greatest achievements in life are eating bananas and riding a bicycle up a hill, was the fuckin’ gov’nor.
But in recent times, a most interesting – and some would say eminently predictable – scenario has begun to play itself out. As is the inevitable Way of the Self-Centred Asshole, the narcissistic sociopath that is Johnstone began increasingly turning on many of his so-called comrades. Yep, he started attacking those who seemingly shared the same dietary beliefs. As a result, an increasing number of people within the vegan/fruitarian/raw food “community”, who once raucously laughed and cheered as Johnstone maliciously slandered non-vegan health commentators, suddenly realized he wasn’t so funny after all. Yep, as many of these “plant-based” idiots had to learn the hard way, it’s easy to laugh and cheer and snigger when someone is being a prick to others - but it’s an entirely different story when you become the target of that person’s malevolence.
As a result of his indiscriminate prickology, Johnstone’s fortunes – which rely heavily on his monetized YouTube videos – have dwindled dramatically in recent times. An increasing number of people are finally waking up to the fact there are far better things to do with one’s time than watch some angry moron with an eating disorder and a really annoying voice.
One person who deserves special mention, and much credit, for alerting the world to the sheer prickness of Johnstone is Michael Hebo, who has a YouTube channel under the name “Norvegan”. We’ll get back to Michael and his truly magnificent cinematography shortly. First, we need to address a very sad fact, one that has inspired me to write this article: There are still a number of staggeringly gullible simpletons who still look up to the obnoxious, prematurely-aged turd-burglar that is Harley Johnstone.
Being the community-minded humanitarian that I am, I have taken time out from conscientiously performing the three Rs (Researching, Riding, and Rubbing my pooch’s belly) to educate these terribly misguided souls.
So, señoras y señores, without further ado, here are six reasons why Harley Durianrider Johnstone is an evil, worthless prick and why, if you need a hero, you’d be better off turning to DC Comics rather than some worthless, uncouth bogan from Adelaide, Australia.
Reason #1: He’s a Cunt
Regular readers know this would hardly be the first time I’ve used profanity in my writings. However, in my nearly two decades of posting Internet articles, only one person has ever driven me to use the word “cunt”, which is still considered something of a taboo word even in this day and age of prime-time F-bombs.
Given the sheer mass of very hostile and irrational oddballs I’ve encountered over the years, that’s really saying something.
So who is this pioneering maverick of unparalleled cuntdom? That person, ladies and gentlemen, is the extremely obnoxious bogan shithead by the name of Harley Johnstone, known to many as “Durianrider”.
A durian, for those of you unfamiliar with South-East Asian horticulture, is a smelly fruit covered in spikes. Your first encounter with a durian is one you will never forget, especially if no-one has given you any forewarning about what to expect. When you cut a durian open, you are greeted with a white, custard-like substance that emits a disgusting, nostril-pinching stench.
I’m guessing the same thing would happen if you cut Johnstone open.
Before I explain why Johnstone is such a cunt, it behoves me to explain just what a cunt is.
According to the Collins dictionary, cunt is a word of Germanic origin, whose roots lie in the Old Norse "kunta" and Middle Low German "kunte", and it refers to "a mean or obnoxious person."
As you’re about to learn, Johnstone more than meets the criteria for eternal cuntdom. Johnstone, ladies and gentlemen, is the epitome of meanness and obnoxiousness - a true cunt among cunts.
Any attempt to document the full extent of Johnstone’s world-beating cuntism would result in a very thick and weighty book. However, this was meant to be a bullet-point style article aimed at Homo sapiens, of whom 50% (in Australia and the USA) are functionally illiterate and of whom 95% have an attention span of around 4 seconds (on a good day). As such, I’ll limit this exploration of Johnstone’s cuntaciousness to two highly illuminating examples.
The first involved a girl with cancer who, sadly, has since passed away. It goes without saying that cancer sucks. As in, it really fucking sucks. Any of you who have ever had a loved one die as a result of this ruthless disease know just what a heart-breaking process it is to watch a formerly healthy, jovial and lively person wither away before your eyes, everyone knowing full well what the imminent outcome is.
Now, imagine this: You have end-stage breast cancer, and a massive tumour is visibly devouring one of your breasts. Conventional oncology, which still relies on the crude slash and burn approach of chemo, radiotherapy, and surgery, offers little hope. Your imminent outlook is death. Needless to say, that’s a very depressing prospect.
In desperation, you start exploring ‘alternative’ therapies that might confer better survival prospects than being poisoned, nuked and cut. You locate a clinic in Mexico that sounds promising, but when you hear the treatment fees, your heart sinks like a stone. You are not a wealthy person, and simply don’t have that kind of money. And neither Medicare nor medical insurance covers ‘unconventional’ cancer treatments in foreign countries.
Folks, this is life for many cancer patients: A glimmer of hope, followed by crushing disappointment and despair.
But amidst this disparaging new low, a light bulb switches on inside your increasingly weary mind: A crowd-funding campaign. You’ve never been one to ask for charity, but this is your very life that is on the line. And so you launch your fund-raiser, explaining why you so desperately need the money.
In desperation, you reach for your phone, turn on the camera and do something which, a year earlier, you could never have imagined yourself doing. You make a video in which you bare your soul and tell the world you have cancer. Lest there be any doubt as to what you are truly experiencing, you lift up your top, tears streaming down your face, and reveal the distorted cancerous mass that is eating away at your breast.
Much to your relief, the donations start pouring in, and it looks like you might actually be able to afford the Mexican cancer clinic. Your eyes water as you watch the donation tally continue to head north. You’re truly touched and humbled by the generosity of your fellow humans; maybe there is hope for this ragtag species after all!
But your jubilation is going to be very, very short-lived, and your faith in humanity is about to be crushed like a peanut under a steamroller. Unbeknownst to you, a sinister prick known as Harley “Durianrider” Johnstone has arrived on the scene and has got you in his predatory sights.
This narcissistic loudmouth, who suffers heart palpitations anytime he sees someone else getting the attention he believes only he deserves, decides to launch a hate campaign against you. The quintessential troll, he goes on social media and tells everyone you are a “scammer”. You are a “fraudster”. That’s right, you don’t really have cancer. You are just trying to make a quick fortune by cynically tugging on people’s heart strings.
You are stunned.
What kind of a horrible person would say this stuff? Why does this person harbour such unbridled malice towards you? Why is he spreading such patently false lies about you? Until his ugly persona burst into your life, you didn’t even know who he was – so how could you have possibly wronged him?
How could someone be so fucking cruel?
Human beings, quite frankly, aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Yeah, we invent iPads and stuff, but we also constitute our own main predator, a disgusting feat no other animal species could ever dream of replicating.
Amidst this murky swamp of stupidity, those who believe the demented ramblings of a sleazy, pathological liar like Harley Johnstone have to rate among the dumbest of the dumb.
Sadly, there are a lot of dumber-than-dumb dipshits out there. So many, in fact, that the donations for your cancer fundraiser essentially dwindle to nothing.
This is by far the lowest point in your draining, dispiriting journey. For a while there, you felt the uplifting sensations of hope and optimism. Now, all that has been cruelly stripped from you. It feels like you have been gored in the guts by a rampaging bull, and you quickly sink into depression.
You start crying. Why the hell would someone do this to you?!?
If you think the above scenario is a purely hypothetical one – it is not. It is the exact situation 33-year old American girl Jennifer Faulisi found herself in after she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Jen, whose mother had recently died of the same cancer, had been vegan for two-and-a-half years prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer. She appealed to the “generosity” of the vegan community to help her raise funds for what she believed was her only hope: Gerson-style cancer therapy at a specialized clinic in Mexico.
And initially, that generosity was forthcoming. Jen did manage to raise enough money to get to Mexico and begin treatment, where her condition began to improve.
But then Johnstone opened his big fucking mouth, and from this hate-filled cavity out spewed an avalanche of toxic bullshit.
“In my honest opinion, it’s a scam”, pronounced the Doucherider.
His "honest" opinion? Now there's a fucking oxymoron. As history has amply demonstrated, there is nothing honest about Johnstone – the guy is a pathological liar.
But what of Jen’s disfigured breast, which she had revealed to the world in her desperate plea for help?
“I feel this person is using make up, or black salve on their body”, said Johnstone, who apparently has a PhD in forensic cosmetics that he’s not telling us about.
“They look like a bit of a smack addict, bit of a druggie,” said the Doucherider of Jen. That’s a staggering accusation, coming from a drug user who himself looks and behaves like the stereotypical meth-head. Check out this tasty news story of Johnstone having a bogan meltdown in the middle of a road in the Adelaide Hills:
Tell me again who the druggie is?
So what proof did the Doucherider have to support his astonishing accusations?
“I look in that person’s eyes, and I see darkness,” claimed the insane one.
What a fucking idiot.
Johnstone did inadvertently let slip one piece of truth:
“I tell you what, our community is very easy to exploit. So many trusting people, naïve people…”
Ain’t that the truth, even if it did come from a serial-lying asshole. For years, Johnstone had been doing just that – exploiting the naivety of his cult-like followers in order to generate lucrative revenue from his YouTube videos. There was indeed a money-grubbing scammer in this whole affair, but it sure as heck wasn’t Jennifer Faulisi.
Michael Hebo has documented this sad, sorry saga in the following video:
In the section beginning at 6:40, Jen discusses Johnstone’s spurious allegations and says “Apparently, I have to take time out of [dealing with her illness] to prove I have cancer? I have to prove … that I have cancer. Do you hear what that sounds like?” I’m not exaggerating in the slightest to say that the first time I watched this and saw Jen showing her biopsy and PET scan results, and once again suffering the indignity of baring her disfigured breast, I was truly ashamed to be a member of the Homo sapiens species. Jen was having to “prove” she wasn’t a scammer, all because of some cunt whose insanity and dishonesty are easier to spot than an NBL player standing in the middle of a pygmy tribe.
How can people be such utter pricks? And why are there so many gullible twats who look up to these pricks?
It gets worse. Johnstone refused to apologize, and persisted with his utterly unfounded “scammer” allegations. The donations to Jen’s fundraiser dried up, causing much grief not only to her but her family and friends. In response, one of Jen’s Vision Team members filmed an impassioned video, offering to pay Johnstone’s air fare to the US so he could meet Jen for herself and talk to the US medical specialists who diagnosed her cancer. He even offered to pay for Johnstone’s food, accommodation in Philadelphia, and for a rental car. All he asked in return was that, when it was established beyond doubt Jen really did have cancer, Johnstone would hop back on his YouTube channel, tell everyone he made a mistake, and ask his followers to please help Jen.
Jen’s US physician, Dr Dan Rogers, even posted a video confirming Jen’s condition.
But as Michael notes, “Harley would rather let a cancer patient die as a ‘scammer’ than admit he was wrong.”
And that’s exactly what happened. Johnstone never apologised. Instead, he just quietly removed his scandalous videos from YouTube and hoped no-one would notice.
Meanwhile, Jen ran out of money and had to leave her treatment in Mexico – where her tumour had shrunk. She died in the early hours of April 4, 2016.
Like I said, Johnstone's cuntness is without compare. Picking on healthy people who are minding their own business – his sleazy stock-in-trade – is bad enough, but picking on a cancer victim?
I mean, really?
Ladies, how would you feel if you were in Jen’s shoes?
Gentlemen, how would you feel if your mother, sister or wife was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer, and while you were all dealing with the resultant emotional turmoil, you had some scumbag like Johnstone mouthing off on YouTube that she was just a “fraudster” and a “scammer”?
The second lucid demonstration of Johnstone’s cuntaciousness comes from his response to pictures posted online of a 19-year old girl who had been assaulted by her boyfriend. Instead of expressing sympathy, or at least keeping his fucking mouth shut, the psychopathic Johnstone felt compelled to loudly deride the girl on Facebook and YouTube for being a “dumb bitch” and “fucking doormat loser”.
According to Johnstone, the assault was “100% her fault!” The girl’s culpability, in Johnstone’s jaundiced eyes, was due to her allegedly staying with her boyfriend after he had previously assaulted her. I’m not sure if this is actually the case, but even if it were true, what difference does it make? Repeatedly assaulting your 19-year old girlfriend is inexcusable, and these repeated assaults would merely prove that the young lady’s boyfriend was a habitual cunt – just like Johnstone. The Doucherider, you see, has admitted to repeatedly hitting his ex-partner, Leanne Ratcliffe. He claims it was only in “self defense”, but even if this were true, it begs the obvious question:
Why did he stick around?
I guess that would be because he is … a “dumb bitch” and “fucking doormat loser”!
Yep, 100% Johnstone’s fault!
Reason #2: He’s a Misogynistic Prick
As the above-mentioned display of cuntness indicates, the Doucherider has a very toxic view of women. Here’s a video in which Johnstone reveals what he really thinks of women:
Yep, women, in Johnstone’s view, are just a bunch of “basic, handbag-wearing bitches”.
The idiot needs another vasectomy – this time, on his vocal chords.
Reasons #3 and #4: He’s a Creep and a Hypocrite
Having lived on Planet Dipshit for almost 50 years, I’ve learned a lot about the behaviour of my fellow Homo sapiens. One observation is that there is a subset of men out there who harbour disparaging attitudes towards women as a result of having had little romantic success with the opposite sex.
Johnstone’s malevolent attitude towards women no doubt has a lot to do with the fact that he is an ugly, demented creep. While some women do indeed exhibit strange taste in men, ugliness and mental derangement never appear anywhere near the top of the list when scientists collectively survey women about what they find attractive in men.
Another observation I’ve made about my male counterparts is that those who get the least sex usually make the biggest deal about it when they finally get “some”. Hence we had the spectacle of Johnstone publicly posting videos in which he boasted, over and over, about how he went “balls deep” on his then-partner Leanne Ratcliffe.
For fuck's sake, no-one wants to hear that repugnant shit. The mere thought of a bony, unhygienic, denture-wearing creep like Johnstone attempting to mount and penetrate another person with his flaccid little pecker is truly fucking nauseating.
Secondly, going balls deep on a girl can hardly be considered an achievement when your penis is the size of a thimble. For a card-carrying member of the 2-Inch Club like Johnstone, going “balls deep” should be easier than brushing his meth-wrecked teeth. Johnstone really needs to quit his bragging and go back to prematurely dropping out of unsanctioned bicycle races or whatever it is he does when not dribbling bullshit on the Internet (more on Johnstone’s failed cycling endeavours in a moment).
When you suck with women, it’s often because you have no idea how to tell whether a female is actually interested or not, and because you have little idea of the manner in which a healthy male-female romantic interaction progresses.
As Michael documents in this video, this describes Johnstone to a tee. Johnstone even admits to repeatedly asking a young girl to kiss him after she has repeatedly said no to his advances:
If you have to nag and cajole someone into swapping spit, it means they are not attracted to you. If you happen to be an ugly, deranged bogan who doesn’t understand why, maybe take a look in a mirror some time.
No means no, you fucking loser.
Speaking of forcing one’s self onto young girls, a few years ago Johnstone started accusing an individual by the name of Eisel Mazard of paedophilia and domestic violence. Johnstone even publicly 'hinted' that he and his fellow cult members would assault Mazard, and that Mazard therefore should watch his back.
As usual, Johnstone had absolutely no evidence to back up these malicious allegations. There was, and remains, absolutely nothing to even suggest Eisel had done what Johnstone claimed. As usual, Johnstone just pulled these claims out of his putrid asshole, threw them out to his incredibly gullible followers, and sat back and watched the ensuing fracas.
“For the rest of my life,” lamented Eisel, “ I’m going to have to cope with the fact that my employers can put my name into Google and see it attached to ‘paedophile’, ‘wife beater’, ‘sexual predator’ [and] numerous other ridiculous allegations. It is quite possible this will have real negative impacts for the rest of my life.”
Why would Johnstone do this?
As Michael documents in Part 3 of his excellent “Unmasking” series, narcissists like Johnstone specialize in a behaviour known as projection. In a nutshell, this means that people with dysfunctional behaviours often take those behaviours and ‘project’ them onto others, accusing them of being bad, bad people for having these traits. Yes, it’s a ridiculously hypocritical behaviour, but people like Johnstone are ridiculously fucked in the head.
A classic example of this behaviour is Johnstone’s penchant for accusing others of steroid use. Johnstone, over the years, has accused just about every other male in the health and fitness arena – including yours truly - of taking steroids. As usual, he never supplied proof for his bullshit allegations - he simply fabricated them and threw them out like bones for his fuckwitted followers to chew on.
But guess what? Johnstone himself is a prolific user of steroids! Former acquaintances have revealed that Johnstone has been using them for years. While his copious steroid usage is clearly doing little for his broomstick-like physique, he clearly is a big fan of anabolics. Here he is waving a vial of Sustanon around and bragging about the large amounts of steroids he keeps handy:
So when Johnstone accuses someone else of being a “sexual predator”, guess what this really means?
You got it.
Here’s a teenage girl describing how the nearly-40 year old Johnstone tried to force his affections upon her, despite her objections:
And here is Hannah Chloe, Michael’s partner, explaining her disturbing experience with the sleazy Johnstone:
So, in future, when you hear the deranged Johnstone accusing someone of taking steroids, forcing themselves upon young women, or fucking the village goat while no-one was looking, just assume he’s talking about himself.
Because he probably is.
Reason #5: He’s a Coward
For several years now, Johnstone has been running a nasty hate campaign against yours truly. To this day, I’m still not sure just what the guy's problem is. After all, just like Jen Faulisi, I didn't even know who the prick was when he started mouthing off about me, so it's not like I could've done anything to hurt or provoke him. Maybe one of his former girlfriends left him to begin a torrid affair with an olive-skinned guy with a shaved head, or maybe an Italian-Australian guy with a passing resemblance to moi took offense at his big fucking mouth and gave him a good bashing. Whatever, Johnstone clearly has some kind of issue with me.
What’s the matter, Sunshine? Do you look into my eyes and see “darkness”?
That would be because I have dark brown irises, you fucknut.
Anyways, Johnstone has said a lot of really nasty shit about me over the years. And so I challenged Johnstone to stand behind his bullshit and throw down with me. Hey, if you are 'man' enough to start mouthing off about someone on the Internet – without justification or prior provocation on their part – then you should damn well be man enough to front up to that person and repeat that shit to their face.
Johnstone, however, is a pathetic little coward. Instead of throwing down, he threw up, defaecated in his bibshorts, and quickly ran to another bunch of dysfunctional, dishonest, misogynistic cunts – namely, the South Australian Police (SAPOL) – telling them some cock and bull story that I "jumped out from the bushes" one night and punched him in the face as he rode his bicycle up a hill. This, he told the fucknuts from SAPOL, caused him to fall and resulted in $8,000-$9,000 of damage to his carbon-fibre bicycle. You know, the same carbon-fibre bicycle that he publicly boasted about remounting and continuing to ride up and down Kensington Road after this fantasy event allegedly occurred.
I’m hardly the only one Johnstone refuses to front up to. Numerous other recipients of Johnstone’s venom, including Eisel, have offered to meet Johnstone in person and sort out their differences. In every case, Johnstone switches from running at the mouth to running away like the scared little bitch that he is.
Reason #6: He’s Full of Shit
Over the years, Johnstone has gone to great lengths to convince everyone what a super-fucking-awesome-sick-maaaaate athletic specimen he is. He’s strong, he’s lean, he’s fast, he’s mean! He’s a shit-hot bicycle rider too – heck, the only reason he hasn’t won the last ten Tour de Frances is because those guys are all on drugs, bro!
Yeah, and so is Johnstone.
Johnstone’s problem, in this regard, is that he is full of shit. Deep down inside, he knows this. That’s why he works so hard to create a false persona of athletic awesomeness. He’s not just trying to fool the public, he’s trying to fool himself. When you have no intellect, no life skills, no achievements, no formal qualifications, just a niggling voice deep inside that keeps telling you what a massive non-achiever you are, then it becomes imperative to create an illusion of success.
But how athletic is Johnstone really?
As this video shows, while girls in Russia are benching 110 kilograms, Johnstone struggles to knock out six reps with 66 kilograms, a truly appalling weight for a grown man:
That piss-weak bench press, remember, belongs to a guy who is a prolific and long-time user of anabolic steroids!
What a fucking joke.
And what of his allegedly awesome cycling prowess? Well, early this year, someone acted upon the terribly misguided idea to hold a bicycle race across Australia. As Johnstone is a terribly misguided individual, this seemed the perfect opportunity for him to display his two-wheeled talents. Christened the Indian Pacific Wheel Race, the event was a non-sanctioned, whoever-gets-there-first event that saw people trying to pedal across the Nanny States of Australia among regular traffic. There were no daily stages; the riders were simply told to get on their way, and that whoever got to the East Coast first would be the winner. As a result of this truly idiotic race design, the participants skimped on sleep as they attempted the kind of daily mileages that the UCI knows full well would be harmful to seasoned professional riders.
If ever there was a guaranteed recipe for disaster, it would be mixing a bunch of fatigued, sleep-deprived cyclists with Australia's awful drivers. Sure enough, one rider got hit by a car in South Australia, while British ultra-distance star Mike Hall - who had complained of being "really tired" and suffering poor vision during the race - was hit and killed in New South Wales.
Sadly, Johnstone met no such terminal fate. That’s because the self-proclaimed super-fucking-awesome-sick-maaaaate cyclist didn’t even make it past day two of the event. He dropped out of the race, proffering some bullshit excuse about having to bail because he was recovering from a previous bike crash.
Yes, rumour has it a giant koala jumped from the bushes and sucker punched Johnstone's ugly noggin’, causing him to crash and sustain a further $8,000-$9,000 damage to his bike. SAPOL are frantically searching for this giant koala as we speak. The public should not approach this giant koala, as it is believed to be armed, dangerous and high on eucalyptus. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this giant koala, or any other fantasy creatures with a penchant for hitting vegan cyclists, should contact the gullible morons at SAPOL immediately.
While Johnstone was making BS excuses, the female riders in the race kept powering on until the event was cancelled due to the ensuing disasters. So too did 74 year old Paul Ardill, the oldest rider in the race, who really did have a crash on a gravel road during the event - but then got right back on his bike, settling into a consistent rhythm of around 200 km a day.
The steroid-using Johnstone, in other words, gets out-ridden and out-lifted by both younger women and elderly men.
Yep, he’s a real fucking athlete, that Doucherider.
Most assholes have at least some redeeming feature, but I'm struggling to even begin to see anything positive about Johnstone. He’s just an out-an-out malevolent – an evil, worthless prick. If you're one of the gullible dolts that has succumbed to his bullshit, it's high time you pulled your head from your asshole and woke the fuck up.
Note: If you find Johnstone's behaviour as repugnant as I do, have been the victim of his sleazy, defamatory, attention-grabbing online antics, or know someone who is contemplating following his dangerous dietary advice, then please feel free to share this article far and wide.